Despite the progress we've made, there are still some terrible products out there

OK, seriously. Weed chapstick?
OK, seriously. Weed chapstick?

Harken back to the year 2000. You're buying weed from your local dealer. He hands you a baggy of God-knows-what. Your options were limited to "this dope indica" and "this is probably a sativa." Simpler, halcyon days.

Now, consumers have choices. We have fancy marketing. We have entire teams of professionals thinking up new, innovative weed products. Occasionally, though, those professionals miss the mark. Behold my top four most-hated weed consumer goods and judge their unworthiness for yourself.


The budtender grabs a hunk of weed with the little tongs, shoves it in your face, and asks if it smells like "a crispy pineapple upside-down cake cooling in the summer breeze on a picnic table at a Fourth of July backyard barbecue."

Uh, no. Your weed doesn't smell like a salty breeze on the shores of Connecticut. But yes, I can smell the difference between the last thing you put in my face compared to this new one you put in my face. I think of it like wine tasting: "This one is fruity" versus "this one tastes like hot tar." "This wine tastes like a ripe peach plucked by the alabaster hands of a virgin under a waning moon" might be a little much.

Contrast that to when weed was illegal. Your dealer handed you a bag that smoked like rancid gasoline and said "It's weed. It gets you high. Deal with it." Time to temper some expectations, folks.

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I think in all of my journeys across this planet, the most ridiculous weed-related item I have unearthed has been weed chapstick. Weed. In chapstick. Just why?

"Well, my aunt has this strange genetic condition where her lips fall off — a complete medical mystery! Doctors couldn't find a cure, but weed chapstick saved her lips!"

Instead of hitting up the ganja lip balm, try drinking some water.

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You can shove 5 milligrams of THC in a piece of chocolate without it tasting like ground stems in cheap, waxy, flavorless Halloween candy. I don't mind a little eau de pot when it comes to my edibles — heavy emphasis on "a little." I recently choked down a caramel goodie that tasted so much like weed I might as well have just chewed and swallowed a joint.

Isn't making edibles yummy the entire point? I don't want to be picking caramel out of my teeth that tastes like dirty bong water. I don't want weed breath for the rest of the night. I want to sneakily munch on a gummy at an awful work party without anyone catching a whiff.

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I like edibles because I'm a massive wimp and smoking hurts my baby, virgin lungs. Back in the day, edibles were cooked up in someone's kitchen using some weird recipe half-based on urban legend. "You can only store it in organic wax paper or else the THC degrades!" "Nah man, you have to let the butter cool for like 20 minutes in the freezer so the weed crystalizes."

Nothing was consistent. All edibles tasted like complete shit. A weed cookie might be a total flop or it might send you into another dimension. The Wild West. Exciting.

But today, that junk is tested by the government. They know exactly what type of weed went into cooking that edible. So what did you put in there? Is this going to make me all buzzy? Am I going to pass out? Give me some more details somewhere on that package aside from "it definitely has pot in it."

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