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Hell and Back Again 

“Cage.” “Dreck.” Synonyms.


In Drive Angry, Nicolas Cage once again portrays a hell-spawn on a vehicular rampage. We would call this Drive Angry Ghost Rider 2: Ghost Driver, except that a sequel to Cage’s previous awful example of cinematic demonic road rage is, in fact, already in production. Or maybe Con Air Goes to Hell, because that movie was similarly vile and reprehensible.

But Drive Angry is vile and reprehensible in 3D! Cage plays “badass motherf---er” John Milton, recently escaped from Hell. (Apparently, it’s not that difficult to escape from Hell. It never gets explained here.) He’s hot on the heels of a badass Satanic priest (Billy Burke) who savagely murdered his daughter, drank her blood, and kidnapped his baby grandchild for purposes of a Satanic ritual that’s supposed to enable Lucifer to walk the Earth again, or something. Along the way, John Milton (yes, that’s a literary allusion) acquires a sidekick in diner waitress Piper (Amber Heard), whose cutoffs are as brief as her couth. In addition to not minding if her ass is hanging out of her jeans, she has access to the kind of wheels that a badass motherf- --er like Milton demands when out for blood. Off they go!

Along the way, director Patrick Lustier and his screenwriting partner, Todd Farmer, provide plenty of meaningless sex to get the audience off … and if you’ve become desensitized to how action movies have sexualized violence, you’re about to get some all-new jerk-off material.

I’m sure Lustier and Farmer thought they were absolutely motherf---ing badass brilliant to conceive of this movie’s plot. In one scene, for example, Milton picks up a roadside tavern waitress (Charlotte Ross). Cut to the two of them — she’s totally naked, he’s fully clothed — going at it in a motel room. Bad guys bust in. He’s still inside her and she’s still clinging to him as they roll around avoiding gunshots. Milton pumps off round after round at the other men while pumping into her ... and all the while, she’s screaming orgasmically. Or maybe she’s screaming in terror. Either way, it’s meant to be hilarious: Ha ha, he’s f---ing her while he’s killing people. Awesome! Doesn’t matter if she’s enjoying it or not.

And apparently, it doesn’t matter whether this movie’s viewers are enjoying it or not. Because that’s just how badass motherf---er writers and directors
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