Chris Favero photo/Wikimedia
The special effects in Avengers: Endgame are better than I could have ever imagined!
Wow! Or, as the Stan "Stanley" Lee used to say, "Excelsior! Gloria in excelsis Deo!"
The reviews for Avengers: Endgame are already coming out, and everyone from Marvel fans to Marvel superfans are raving about it, seemingly doing everything from threatening to burn down the houses of any unenthusiastic critics to renaming their 7-year-old daughter to "Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige."
But you might be wondering. What, exactly, will happen in this "motion picture" people keep speaking of. We've got a few theories. And we're pretty confident about our predictions.
We’ve gone forward in time to view 14,000,605 alternate futures, and in every single outcome, the following things happen in Avengers: Endgame:
- Marvel: Avengers: Infinity War: Endgame will feature Thanos snapping his fingers to remove 50 percent of the movie's subtitles.
- To compete with the Infinity Gauntlet, Bruce Banner will bust out some giant foam Hulk Hands.
- Thanos will declare a Thumb War.
- Most people who die in “the Snap” will choose to be cremated.
- Gradually, the Avengers surviving after "the Snap" will come to realize that all the characters who'd suddenly disappeared had accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and personal Savior.
- Thanos will inadvertently kill an additional 90 percent of the universe’s population after getting too enthusiastic at a poetry slam.
- WARNING: The first 20 minutes of Avengers: Endgame will contain SPOILERS for Avengers: Endgame.
- Bruce Banner will finally become angry enough to transform into the Hulk again after scrolling through his Twitter timeline for 10 seconds.
- Spider-Man will be resurrected in order to fulfill his preordained task of starring in the Spider-Man: Far from Home trailers.
- Incredible whizbang special effects will be created using electronic "computer" technology.
- The awful repeated “whatever it takes” line from the trailers will be replaced with the far more badass line, “that’s the way we get things done in CHICAGO!"
- A Wall Street Journal journalist will reveal Thanos to be a fraud who bilked investors out of millions for an Infinity Gauntlet that never properly worked.
- Hawkeye will upgrade his trusty bow-and-arrow to his most powerful weapon yet: a regular gun.
- Marvel will reveal that has been using its de-aging CGI technology on Paul Rudd this entire time.
- Much of the run-time will be dedicated to a clip-show, as our favorite characters reminisce about their wackiest moments, like “The One With Mickey Rourke” and “The One Where Spider-Man Gets Really Into My Chemical Romance.”
- The Avengers will discover that the real Infinity Stones were the ones inside their kidneys all along.
- Loki will reveal that he survived, and has been using an elaborate disguise to date Taylor Swift for years.
- Ant-Man will do his part to contribute to the team by completely ruining Thanos’s picnic.
- Marvel fans will briefly be reminded that “Vision” existed, then go back to blissful ignorance.
- Thor will take his shirt off to reveal that he's surprisingly muscular when he's not hiding his body under sweatshirts and ill-fitting flannel.
- Tony Stark's fortune will be wiped out in one fell swoop when he racks up an insane bill by taking Uber from Titan back to Earth.
- The heroes will not succeed in undoing the ending of Avengers: Endgame, but will succeed in undoing the ending of Mass Effect 3, which is ultimately a greater victory.
- Due to the death of the actor who played "Stan Lee," the Stan Lee character will now be played by a CGI Carrie Fisher.
- Josh Brolin will play a dual role as both Thanos and former President George W. Bush.
- Captain Marvel will inspire an entire studio theater with her staged reading of bell hooks' best essays on race and intersectionality.
- Avengers: Endgame will get surprisingly political by coming down hard on the events of Iran-Contra.
- Optional assisted audio track will help answer all the questions from the moms in the audience, like who is that big red guy and how can that raccoon talk.
- Rocket Raccoon will get revenge on Thanos by toppling his trash can over and spreading his garbage all over the patio.
- Iron Man will be diagnosed with anemia.
- The Iron Man line "this one's... for all the Marvels" will receive a standing ovation in most theaters.
- The supposedly virtuous Seven-Headed Serpentine Water Monster organization will turn out to actually be a front for the villainous Hydra.
- James Rhodes' War Machine suit will be upgraded to the even-more-powerful Military-Industrial Complex suit.
- We will finally learn the origins of Spider-Man.
- Dr. Strange will learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.
- Thor will reveal that the secret to picking up his hammer is to lift with your knees, and not your back.
- Hawkeye will deliver a controversial monologue about how, really, Captain America: Civil War was about states rights.
- This time, Thanos will fight population growth much more successfully and diabolically by giving young millennial men porn and video games.
- A whole new slew of superheroes, with their own upcoming scheduled spinoff movies, will be introduced, including Captain Planet, Captain Crunch, Martian Marmot, X-Man, Carter "Crash" Bandicoot, Clippy, Gritty, the Russo Brothers, the SimAnt Spider, and the truest heroes of all, all those mothers and fathers out there who just want their kids to know they love them.
- Hulk will do his best to summarize the basic tenets of Modern Monetary Theory, but unfortunately will oversimplify it.
- Mid-credits scene will reveal the exact identity of the film’s motion capture boom operator.
- In an out of nowhere twist, Hawkeye will reveal that his name has actually been “Hawk-Guy” this entire time.
- Thor will return to the Nidavellir neutron star to not only reforge the hammer Mjolnir, but also to forge the Laser-Level Ildsjel and Hedge Trimmer Hekkskjærer. Unfortunately, he will loan them all to his neighbor and won’t be able to get them back before the climax.
- Jon Favreau will make a brief cameo, and wow everyone with tales about what it was like speechwriting for Obama.
- HULK (will reminisce about the uneven charms of the hit NBC musical drama TV series) “SMASH!”
- Movie will earn its PG-13 rating with a brief comic relief segment involving cosmic brownies that will show what happens when Captain America gets "infinity stoned" for the first time.
- As a reward for saving the universe yet again, Thor, Iron Man and Captain America will be freed from their Marvel Studios contracts.
- Thanos and the Avengers will team up to in order to fight an even greater foe — music piracy.
- Thanos’s latest evil plot will be to use the Time Stone to cause time itself to slowly, almost imperceptibly, speed up as people age — forcing every creature to watch helplessly in horror as days melt into weeks and then melt into years; and before they know it their beauty has faded and their kids have grown up and they realize they never really traveled like they planned and they never got around to pursuing their dreams because they were just too busy; and then, by the end of it, in their old age, it seems like their entire life has gone by in an instant, and dammit, they wasted it, they wasted it on frivolous things like video games and blockbuster franchises, instead of really, truly investing in the experiences and relationships that really matter. And now it's too late. Damn, you Thanos! Damn you!
- Tyrion will die.
- Black Widow will be fired from her alt-weekly column when it’s revealed she’s not actually black.
And before you go, check out these posters we made about those Avenger guys without really fact-checking (or looking for typos). Print them out and stick them in your window to show support for our fighting men and women doing their part in the War on Thanos.
