An open letter to any friendly aliens who are considering making first contact with Earth soon:
If I've learned anything from the movies, it's that you'll be landing in the United States, either out in the desert or directly over the White House. Either way, you're in for some surprises. As America's self-designated extraterrestrial ambassador, I'm here to prepare you.
You've undoubtedly been watching our broadcasts to brush up on things before you arrive — but since even Alpha Centauri is four light-years away, and I assume you've been on the road for a while, you need a few updates.
If you've been relying on Star Trek to understand us, I've got some bad news: Harmonious societies in which beings of diverse identities and talents band together to explore and protect the universe are now banned in 27 states. (Not really. But, like, maybe.)
If you've been tuning into some newer stuff, say 2021's absolute banger of a reality show FBoy Island, you're getting a little warmer.
But if you're close enough to Earth that you've been watching people who are famous on YouTube for being creepy dudebros, and subsequent livestream boxing matches featuring dudebros who are famous on YouTube for being creepy, I regret to inform you that preeeeetty much captures the vibe around here right now.
If you're like, "I am sorry, Ambassador Tara, what is YouTube? What are dudebros? What's an FBoy?" you should probably just turn around right now. (You can take me with you if you want.)
But if you're really determined, let's carry on.
We're in a bit of an awkward stage as a culture, and not just when it comes to our taste in "event television." We spend most of our free time huddling over tiny screens, either arguing about politics or distracting ourselves from arguing about politics.
I wish I could tell you that the arguments are over things like "How happy and comfortable can we make our elders?" or "How delicious can we make the free lunches for our children?" But the latest controversies have been things like "Is mercy a good thing?" and "Was that motion that definitely looked like a Nazi salute actually a Nazi salute?"
(For the record: I'm Team Mercy and Team Even the Aliens Know What a &!%$ing Nazi Salute Looks Like.)
"Humans have been known to jump into an ice-cold river to save a total stranger's dog..."
To make things worse, we're cramming our tiny screens with destabilizing technology as fast as we possibly can. We're simultaneously sucking down propaganda that tells us not to believe what we see with our own eyes (even though most of us were supposed to read a novel in high school that literally warned about that) and pouring billions into apps that allow us to make really real-looking fake stuff.
So basically, it's a blank check for you guys. Go nuts! Half of us will think you're a deep-fake prank video that's trying to trick us into voting for something, and the other half will skip over the breaking news to watch more AI-generated videos of capybaras taking baths.
(For the record, again: I am pro-capybaras taking baths; I just prefer human-generated capybara content.)
If you're not already hightailing it back across the galaxy, I've got one more thing we need to talk about.
Our country is messed up right now. And if we're being honest, it's always been messed up. The U.S. doesn't have the hottest track record for peace and justice. Humanity doesn't. We're fantastic at blowing each other to smithereens and wearing each other down with a thousand tiny cuts.
But we want to be better. We try.
We invented basketball and libraries and ice cream sundaes and zippers and Jeopardy! and the polio vaccine.
Humans have been known to jump into an ice-cold river to save a total stranger's dog, and to offer to split the last donut with our coworker even though we love donuts and we have mixed feelings about our coworker.
Once I mentioned on the first day of a class I was teaching that I sometimes need to sit down because I have ridiculous wobbly painful joints, and when I arrived the next day there was a nice tall chair waiting for me at the front of the classroom — which meant one of my students heard my comment, saw my need, figured out who to talk to, and requested it, all without saying a word, after knowing me for 45 whole minutes.
Humans try so damn hard to be better. That's why we keep having children and making new spinoffs of Star Trek. We can still see the possibilities, in spite of everything. I hope you can, too.
Welcome to Earth, friends. See you soon.
~ Tara
Tara Karr Roberts is a writer who lives in Moscow with her husband and sons. Her novel Wild and Distant Seas was published in January. Follow her on Bluesky and Instagram @tarabethidaho.
