For years I have hidden my authentic self from the entire world, but now that all changes. I hope this doesn't change how I'm perceived, but I'm finally ready to come out of the proverbial closet and speak my truth.
I enjoy Hallmark movies.
I know it's shocking, but between the cheesy, convoluted storylines, questionable acting and every single romance genre stereotype, I'm in love.
Or, I thought I was in love.
While researching for this column, I found out that I can't recall a single name of a specific Hallmark movie that I've watched. A Google search didn't help either because, much like the romance section at a bookstore, every single piece of cover art was completely indiscernible from the next.
And for some reason, I enjoy that every year the holiday movie season starts earlier — Christmas movies in October are ironically iconic.
So instead of writing about why I love the network's schmaltzy formula, I've decided to consider ways to make Hallmark movies more memorable for everyone, especially for the LGBTQ+ community oft-neglected by the genre.
LEAN INTO STEREOTYPES
I'm not watching Hallmark movies for any sort of realism. If I wanted that I'd watch any other more realistic cinematic genre (which given Hallmark's tone, would even include fantasy).
If we're to make these movies more memorable for the queer community, we need to lean into every stereotype and cliche possible — though obviously in a non-offensive way.
I want a campy romance that develops out of nowhere between two guys working on a Christmas tree farm, and I want one of them to have a complicated backstory that leads to the main conflict between the pair. I want a woman to run after her girlfriend in a busy airport to tell her that she's sorry about whatever events happened before (and I certainly don't want to see any TSA agents in the process).
JENNIFER COOLIDGE
I am a firm believer that adding Jennifer Coolidge — a modern-day gay icon — to any movie will immediately produce an iconic, quotable and queer-friendly experience.
Imagine:
Jennifer Coolidge as Mrs. Claus in another cheesy Christmas movie. (To pair with her turn in 2021's Single All the Way.)
You look like the 25th of December — makes me want a candy cane real bad.
Jennifer Coolidge as a scarecrow in a movie where two rivaling pumpkin patch owners fall in love.
I'm scaring the crows, dumbass!
Jennifer Coolidge in a Hallmark exclusive, modern-day Snow White where she voices the mirror on the wall talking to the evil queen.
You're not very pretty and you're not very smart.
While we're here, Lacey Chabert deserves a mention. She isn't necessarily a queer icon, but she does always make me go, "Oh, that's the actress from Mean Girls!" anytime I see her in a Hallmark movie (she's been in 30 of them!). Unfortunately, I can't remember a single one of them other than the non-Hallmark "classic" Mamma Mia!
Oh wait... that's Amanda Seyfried, isn't it?
ADD A DRAG SHOW
Now this recommendation is fairly broad, but I have a few ideas for how it could play out.
If the movie revolves around an upcoming wedding, I want to see the drag show at the bachelorette party. (See above for leaning into stereotypes.) Now, I won't go into specifics, but the first drag show I ever personally attended had an entire bridal party living their best lives in the front of the bar.
If the movie veers into romcom territory, I need the drag show to be at the end of the movie. I want to see all the characters that I grew to love dancing the night away as all their problems have seemingly been solved.
Roll credits. The same song used in the climactic moment plays again, but this time it's randomly acoustic.
HIRE QUEER PEOPLE!
OK, this last one may be a little unrealistic, but have some faith. I believe Hallmark movies could actually become memorable by — hear me out — hiring actual queer people.
I know, I know. But in a field of movies that are virtually identical to one another, this recommendation may make the biggest impact — especially if it's done responsibly.
While leaning into stereotypes is a vital aspect to these movies, it would be irresponsible to do so without an actual queer presence. Because they then become the butt of the joke, rather than being in on it.
Unless Patrick Swayze comes back from the dead to reprise his role as Vida Boheme in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, I want to see working, local drag queens.
If all goes well and a lovely Hallmark executive takes my advice, maybe I'd be able to name a few of their movies without a Google search. If not, though, no worries. I'll continue discovering "new" Hallmark movies for the first time, regardless of whether I've seen them before. ♦
