Monday, February 15, 2016

We tried the Beast Mode-affiliated Zipfizz energy drink so that you don't have to

Posted By on Mon, Feb 15, 2016 at 3:39 PM

click to enlarge A mysterious arrival in the Inlander break room.
  • A mysterious arrival in the Inlander break room.

Today the Inlander break room was the recipient of an unexplained and unexpected gift: A batch of the Marshawn Lynch-endorsed "Healty Energy Mix" from Zipfizz, a powdered concoction that promises "energy unleashed" from its Vitamin B12, "hydration" and some "multi-vitamin" properties. 

I don't know about all that, but the stuff does contain 833% of your daily recommended Vitamin C and 41,667% of your Vitamin B12, among other nutrients, in each tube of the powder designed to be dissolved in a bottle of 16-to-20 ounces of water. Beast Mode made the deal to endorse Zipfizz back in 2012, but this box of product showing up today raises some questions: 

• Who left the Beast Mode beverage here? (We don't know)
• Is it showing up now because Lynch is retiring from the NFL and leaving the Seahawks? (Probably)
• Is getting hopped up on Zipfizz what Marshawn was really doing to help comeback from his injury this season? (Probably not)
• Does it work?

Well, Marshawn says it does: 

We decided to put Beast Mode B12 Limited Edition Blueberry/Raspberry flavor to the test, with members of our Arts & Culture staff risking their Monday productivity (or perhaps improving it) to try the product. Here are the results: 

Mike Bookey, Arts & Culture Editor
"I poured the entirety of the vial into my glass of water and watched it roil to the brim with an effervescence reminiscent of an Oakland sunset. Within minutes of imbibing, the Beast Mode fizz ripped through my system, as my B12 levels reached an alleged 40,000 percent of recommended daily value. I felt confident that should the door to my office jam, I could easily plow through it, the adjoining wall, or any NFL defensive line you might have handy. After several hours of hall-of-fame-worthy newspaper editing, the intensity disappeared and then I thought it was coming back, and it felt like it would do so any minute, but suddenly, the buzz failed to appear. After I slogged through a few tasks, the surge came back, but only as a ghost of its prior self and then it just retired out of the blue with a cryptic tweet."

Laura Johnson, Music Editor
"This fizzy grape-ish drank only seemed to make me burp and stain my lips red, rather than turn me into a energetic, Beast-like phenom. But perhaps, the product takes all day to truly set in..."

Chey Scott, Listings Editor
"I must be immune to the magical ingredients in this stuff, because I seriously feel more mentally and physically drained — and oddly irritable — an hour after drinking it than I do on a typical Monday afternoon coming off late weekend nights. Also, beware of the unmixed powder that settles at the bottom of your glass... it's like grape-flavored kids' cold medicine, but gritty and not as tasty. I gagged."

Dan Nailen, Arts & Culture Writer
"I was expecting more fizz considering the product's name, but it came on like a semi-flat grape soda. An hour after drinking, I didn't feel particularly energized, but my stomach felt odd, like I'd had a LOT of coffee with no breakfast. Two hours later, I WAS feeling energized, to the point where my typing skills were suffering from the jitters. Several hours later, my stomach's still illin', and I feel much more like taking a nap than taking a football for a run through some steroid cases." 

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