Friday, December 3, 2010

Out of gift ideas? Behold: the ultimate '90s R&B mixtape.

Posted By on Fri, Dec 3, 2010 at 2:56 PM

A Christmas mixtape can be a powerful gift, but harnessing this power is not without challenges — indie mixes can quickly grow mushy, pop mixes can be played out, and death metal mixes often fall on deaf ears (literally).

But there is one era of one genre that you can never go wrong with. Scientists have yet to pinpoint the source of its universal appeal, but focus groups have proven the theory time and time again: E’rybody f---ing loves ‘90s R&B.

So, let us return to the epoch of the soft-lens camera and blue eyeshadow, when women talked openly about sex, “freak” became a verb, and matching silk sweatsuits were encouraged.

Behold: the ultimate mixtape gift for the phreaq on your list.

1. Sylk E. Fyne: “Romeo and Juliet”
Sort of what Shakespeare would be like if he were a Harlequin romance novelist

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2. Monifah: “Touch It”
One part genuine sexual inquiry, 7 parts brazen command

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3. R. Kelly: “Honey Love”
For the record, we tried really, really hard not to make a pee joke. But c’mon. “Give me that honey love”? This video features a scene of R. Kelly standing next to a gushing hose and another of women getting drenched in golden honey. In the song, he offers ladies a ride to the mall. Was anyone surprised when he peed on a teenager?

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4. Color Me Badd: “I Wanna Sex You Up”
Because sexing someone down is how you get them pregnant.

5. Genuine: “Pony”
We'll just let the lyrics speak for themselves: “If you’re horny let’s do it/Ride it my pony/ My saddles waiting/Come and jump on it.” Aside from the amazing visual imagery his song conjures, we appreciate Genuine's humble, honest approach – describing himself as “pony” instead of something like “stallion” or “nurse shark."

6. Usher: “Nice and Slow”
“I got plans to put my hands in places I never seen girl you know what I mean.” Well no, Usher, we don’t know what you mean. Let’s brainstorm. A cave of some sort? An otter den? A whale’s blowhole … Golly, I feel like we’re getting real close, Ush. I guess we’ll never know.

7. Jodeci: “Freek’N You”
Mixin’ it up with the spelling! Freak. Freek. Freque. Phreak. Phreaq.

8. Silk: “Freak Me”
…circus-style.

9. Bell Biv Devoe: “Do Me!”
Ya know, it’s nice when a person just says when they want to be “done”. There’s no guess work. These kind of forward social cues can be especially helpful when you’re dealing with more inexperienced partners. Case in point: “Backstage, under age, adolescent/How ya doin', ‘Fine,’ she replied/I sighed/I like to do the wild thing/Action took place/Kinda wet, don't forget.” Statutory, smatchetory!

10. LL Cool J: “Doin’ It”
He’s just livin’ large, making the ladies’ “g-spot[s] sore,” and surrounding himself with shiny things.

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